Thursday, 29 Jul 2021

Oregon police tell citizens to stop calling 911 ‘just because you ran out of toilet paper’

No, a lack of toilet paper during the novel coronavirus outbreak is not a police matter.

A police department in Oregon has had to remind local residents that toilet paper scarcity doesn’t warrant an emergency call.

Officials of the Newport Oregon Police Department took to Facebook to share the not-so-surprising news.

“It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this,” they wrote. “Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance.”

They even went so far as to suggest alternative materials to take the place of toilet paper, if in dire need of something to wipe with.

“History offers many other options for you in your time of need if you cannot find a roll of your favourite soft, ultra-plush two-ply citrus-scented tissue,” the message continued. “Seamen used old rope and anchor lines soaked in salt water. Ancient Romans used a sea sponge on a stick, also soaked in seawater.”

The message continued on with other historical suggestions, like the Mayans who used corn cobs and other alternatives, like pages of Sears catalogues or grocery receipts and cloth rags.

“Be resourceful. Be patient. There is a TP shortage,” they continued. “This too shall pass. Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.”

Whoever is running the department’s official Facebook has their sense of humour on display, responding to some of the thousands of comments underneath the comedic post.

One person suggested that people use old socks, but the department chimed in: “We don’t recommend solo socks. They can live again as cool sock puppets.”

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